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HueRay-依·旧如 若 ── 有 你 相 依·Ⅰ日 亦 足 已 12 Oktober Some Updates.Well, here I am. Got back in Hangzhou about a month ago. Currently I’m busy with my graduation. Hope everything will be fine. The weather in Hangzhou these days is good and I’m getting used to it. 18 Oktober settled in UB, a beautiful place.It's really a good luck for me to have this chance to be here in UB, Buffalo. Maybe I'll explain that later.
Just get settled few days before. Found an apartment for $180/mon, a nice place, shared with a nice young voluble man from Serb and another young pretty lady from China. Beautifull place here in buffalo. It's a pity that I didn't take a camera with me. Probably I'll try to buy one in the near future, after which I can show some pictures here. 05 November About Music As I said, I love music. In fact, almost everyone likes music, the only differernce is, of which kind dose he or she like. Music is always amazing, always gives you suprises.
To me, it's not just "like" I could give to express the fellings to music, maybe "love", "enthusiasm" are the words. That maybe one of the reasons I spent a lot of time on searching, listening to, and even learning different kinds of music.
I was found of music since a little boy, just before my school days. Unfortunately, during my time entering the primary school or middle school, music is not of the major courses, as well as other art courses. What we did on the classes were learning songs after a teacher sentence by sentence. This maybe ok in the first several years in the primary school, but the situation lasted for a terribly incredible long time. Even during the high school, we were still doing the same stupid thing in the so called "music class". In fact, it was not actually music class, but a short time before the evening study, once a week. We never saw a real piano at school before college.
My interests in music grew after I entered the college. A friend and classmate of mine gave me a piece of music CD as a birthday present. I can still remember it's of the kind of newage music. I was attracted by the first time listening. So beautiful that I just can't drop it off. From then on, I started listening to light music, like Newage, and started collecting music CDs. At the same time, I also found some songs played by some music bands were of the kind I like, such as westlife, backstreet boys, or MLTR and so on.
The situation lasted for a long time until the third year in college, when I finally found that the newage music cannot go any "deeper". I mean everything you can find on the very skin: joy, sad, tears, laugh and so on. You can easily know the mood of the composer and do not need to think about it. This lead me to another kind of music, the classics, which should be the real music, at least to me... 03 November Those stupid things. In fact, it's not that I didn't realize those mistakes I've made, but I just didn't want to confess the corn. That's the problem. Actrually, I think it's more important for one to start a new thing before look into his past than just start the "right things".
One stupid thing I did in the study is that I fixed much more attention on programming. Untill this summer did I realized the mistake. It's not programming that I want to do at the first, achieving the right answer is actrually what I want or supposed to do, more over, I'm not good at it. I've spend most of my limited time to do the programming, to write the MATLAB programs. Fortunately, I did learn something through that. It seems not to be worthless. Since I took much attention on the little things, such as how to make the figures more beautiful, how to make the program more compact, more convenient to use and so on, a lot of time were wasted, which is really unnecessary. Just to get the right answer is OK, that's it, no more useless work!
And, to be honest, I've spend too much time in front of the computer, doing time consuming things during which I myself even don't know fast the time passed, especially during the evening. What's even worse, I don't know what acturally I was doing. That's very bad. Maybe searching for some new movies or some new music or some other things that seems to be interesting. By the way, most of the music I listen nowadays are of classical kind, maybe I could talk about that later.
Another stupid thing is listening to music while doing my work. I found those music will catch much of my attention while doing my work. Sometimes I just can't get focused. One reason maybe the wrong kind of music I chose. Other than try other kind of music, I probably have to change the whole thing instead, since the former choic may take much time, that'll be all wasted. I don't got that much time to lose any more. Although music is a good thing, it dose not be good anytime.
I have to mention that doing some administrating things in "freecity" is also a waste of time. Though it is not jsut wasting time, I quited. I know that there are more important things than that.
Music is also of the same kind. I like it, but I have to give up for sometime, because many more important things are waiting. I used to learn music by myself. It's very hard. I tried to learn flute, violin, guitar, mouth organ and some of the Chinese traditional music instruments. Maybe I'll try in the future. Also, I found that it's imporssible to learn more than 1 or 2 things together, thus I may probabliy try to select just one thing to study, for example flute.
Probably there are many more things that are wasting my time which I don't realise now. I'll look into them in the future....
Too much for today..
02 November things done since the last time i wrote this blog.. It's been a long time since last time I wrote my blog. I was upset today, and don't even know what to say or how to get started. Anyway, I'm going to talk about something new, or maybe not really "new", but just new here.
Last time I wrote the blog may be in the end of the last July or sometime like that. The only thing I could remember is I started to try Chinese Kongfu, learning from a very kind and also very powerful master. Surprisingly, I kept going on till know, though I've just learned a tiny little about that. Well by the way, I fell a little more stronger now.
After that, I have been busy for a long time. Being busy, but not doing the right things. I moved to the new campus, following the whole lab; I took charge of the computer management for all the members of our centre; I was driven to prepare for the materials that used to apply some project from the Hangzhou goverment.. and so on and so forth. Well, by the way, moving to a new place is an extremely tough thing, at least for me. It took a lot of time and energy to do such a stupid thing. There are more stories, maybe I'll leave it to the next time. 08 Juli 关于浪漫... 浪漫, 几乎无数次听到这个词, 也很多次对人说起这个词, 可我从来也没有去认真关注过. 那么, 究竟什么是浪漫?
记得某课上老师对浪漫的解释是"怀旧", 说文艺复兴的时候兴起的浪漫主义是对复古的一种崇拜, 对过去的一种追求, 一种怀念...如果这样说来, 你也还是挺浪漫的么^_^
也许, 在各自的眼里浪漫有着各自不同的甚至是天差地别的解释, 于我, 简单即是浪漫, 就像....就像歌里面唱得那样, 和你一起慢慢变老, 于是我的浪漫在你看来会是那么黯淡无光. 是的, 我不懂, 也不会, 学也学不会, 所以我不会像电视里面那么疯狂地凑上999朵玫瑰, 我甚至可能9朵都不会, 玫瑰虽好, 但毕竟会凋谢, 当然, 如果这种浪漫仅仅只需要一天的话, 那么我应该会.
也许, 浪漫跟现实总是冲突的, 我们看到的不是在书上就是在电影里, 然后我也会在闲暇的时候瞎想些什么, 可往往会被一次一次地几乎是无情地否定掉, 在我看来, 感觉特别傻, 而且不是那种可爱的傻.
罢了罢了....本不是一个浪漫的人, 也写不出什么东东, 就此了之. 04 Juli 哦...那些星空... 于星空, 最早的记忆是小时候在老家. 那时候夜晚的天空很特别, 只不过那时候小, 不懂得形容, 现在回想起来, 倒真是可以用"深邃"来描画了. 那天空不是黑, 而是深蓝, 很深很深的感觉, 然后就是那些星星, 一颗一颗, 或远或近地嵌在空中, 如果你运气好, 偶尔还能够看到一道美丽的亮线划过, 爷爷说, 那是天神们在玩耍. 直到很后才知道那叫流星, 据说还可以许愿的, 不过我终还是没有许, 因为, 他们说这样的愿会天长地久, 我讨厌天长地久..
最近的记忆当是近两天杭州的星夜了. 虽然说在杭州难得看见如此漂亮的星空, 然而, 最多也只能说是漂亮, 谈不上美丽, 因为, 如果你仔细看, 那些星星像是挂在一块背景上的, 说它漂亮, 无非只是这块背景比往日干净了许多, 也难怪, 前两天刚刚盼来了那场久违的雨. 安静的时刻是最美丽的, 它予你充分的时间去思考, 给你足够的空间去探求, 而这城市的夜, 大概总是静不下来的, 夜晚的空气中弥漫着一股尘俗, 它麻木着你的神经, 遮挡着你的视线, 将你整个笼罩其中, 一点一滴地侵蚀着你的思想......让你再也无法察觉原来那远处的星星是在一闪一闪地眨着眼睛. 或许....它们根本没有变, 就跟记忆里儿时的天空一模一样, 只是..我们自己已经麻木. 然后就是那些零零碎碎的记忆了, 其中最深的该属黄山上的那次以及后来在家乡水坝上的那次. 山上那次么也就没太多好说的, 毕竟山上远离尘嚣, 又是大雨初歇, 伴着袅袅升起的雾气, 倒真是有半仙境的感觉. 而后面的一次, 倒是让我找到了些许儿时的感觉.
上次回家专门去乡下老家逛了一趟, 家乡人还是那么淳朴. 就跟那里的夜空一样, 变化并不大, 当然, 这也意味着经济的缓慢发展, 这些倒是后话了. 那天晚上突然来了兴致, 晚上一个人跑去坝上走走, 至今仍然忘不了那带有乡土味道的空气, 然后是耳畔哗哗的水声, 再就是那漫天的繁星, 说实话, 当时真有一股一颗一颗数过来的冲动, 然后发疯地从坝的这头跑到那头, 对着家乡的水大嚷大叫, 记事起从来没有那么疯过, 就像....就像"天使艾米丽"中最后艾米丽坐在爱人的车上那种感觉, 也许音乐都一样....后来确实累了, 于是静静躺下, 盯着一颗一颗明亮而闪烁的星星, 想着, 以后一定带我的爱人来看, 来感受, 耳边响着的依然是那哗哗的水声, 呼吸着的仍然是那清新而独到的乡土气息... 03 Juli 一天, 两天, 三天.....还要有多久..... 听过好多人说, 说什么一千年, 一万年, 说什么海枯石烂, 说什么天长地久....骗人, 都是骗人的. 谁知道他们心里想的是什么.
除非是童话, 或是神话. 童话中, 最美丽的结局, 莫过于王子和公主从此过上了幸福美满的生活.....总是"happy ever after"...神话中, 呵呵, 神话.....最为经典的也许就是那一条小白蛇逃过一劫, 转眼千年过去, 于是断桥上一位翩翩女子执伞而望, 然后紧接一段凄美的故事, 我甚至不愿意叫它"爱情故事"... 这转眼千年或者真的只能是在神话中吧....也许, 童话会更好, 或者说我更喜欢, 面对的总是天真烂漫的笑脸, 再不最多就是那些傻的近乎可爱的大怪物... 于神话, 再美丽的故事恐怕也会多些世俗险恶, 不提也罢.
然而生活毕竟是生活, 一天, 一天, 总是这么实在, 该熬的总是躲不过, 该等的总是避不开. 现四下静寂, 耳边又想起熟悉的旋律, 我说, 要不换换吧, 何必总把自己淹没在这样的深沉之中, 换换肖邦, 即兴幻想不是很好? 可....我不愿去动, 或者, 我是想麻木自己, 因为...这样的等待太煎熬, 一个人的世界太悲苦...
一天, 两天, 三天....究竟还要有多久? 或者....我真如童话里那般天真? 不...应该不是, 因为, 至少我不会说"ever after", 不会讲什么"forever".. 我有的, 我能够说的, 只能是明天. 我相信, 明天我依然会等.
是的, 我会, 我一定会. 01 Juli 一个人我无法做到... 7.1, 转眼一年就这么过去了, 也许再过上10年20年回头看看的时候, 我会宛然一笑, 轻轻说声: 不都过去了么, 随它去罢.. 可现在, 我无法如此洒脱, 虽然仅仅是一年前那么一次醉酒, 一个电话.
于是, 就如我所写, 我--把悲伤留给了自己, 一天, 一天....一年. 那段时间, 每到深夜, 耳边总是这样一首歌, 蔡琴的, 陈升的, 区瑞强的... 各自的演绎, 各自的悲伤, 都留给了我. 而我, 只能将它们藏起来, 深深地, 实实的埋在心底, 或许, 我真的可以忍住, 但我知道, 一个人始终无法化解, 唯有无奈地坐在阴影里, 任凭它一次又一次的扎着我的心...
也许, 这就是报应, 就是选择的结果. 不过我不后悔, 因为那一定是徒劳. 我不知道, 再这样下去会有什么样的后果, 或者, 真的该从影子里走出来了, 那些毕竟是过去, 是没有将来的过去.
我曾经也试着去忘记, 然而...过去的那些事伤我太深, 终还是很难, 而我也不能如歌里那样, 真可以"忍住悲伤, 假装生命中...". 于是我选择努力的去面对和接受, 可我一个人总是无法做到, 只能眼睁睁地看着渺小的自己徒劳地在那影子里时不时的转着或大或小的圈....
我始终不会放弃, 累了的时候, 我会坐在这里, 等着那样一个人, 或许会有那么一天, 她静静地走过来, 拉住我的手: "走吧, 我陪着你去"...我知道, 这....需要勇气...
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能不能让我陪着你走
既然你说留不住你 回去的路有些黑暗 担心让你一个人走 我想是因为我不够温柔
不能分担你的忧愁 如果这样说不出口 就把遗憾放在心中 把我的悲伤留给自己 你的美丽让你带走 从此以后我再没有快乐起来的理由 ...... 我想我可以忍住悲伤
假装生命中没有你 从此以后我在这里日夜等待你的消息 能不能让我陪着你走 既然你说留不住你 无论你在天涯海角 ...... ------------------------------------------------------ 30 Juni 等待...也可以是一种幸福. 什么是等待? 从下决心的那一刻起, 等待就开始了. 等待是一个过程......
事情的起因总会是一个选择, 或者说是一个多项选择. 在你选择了一个目的的同时, 必然要选择放弃一些东西, 我们总希望事情是可逆的, 就像....就像玩游戏的时候, 如果觉得没玩好, 大不了重新开始, 或许这就是很多人沉迷于游戏中的原因之一吧. 然而, 生活从来不会给我们这样的机会, 是的, 从来不会. 于是, 我学会了小心翼翼, 在每做一个选择的同时, 我很清楚的知道, 我肯定放弃了一些东西, 虽然有时候我并不知道是些什么..
26 Juni 周日. 多云, 多云..不得不再次抱怨杭州的天气, 尤其是最近几天...似乎离人们说的"天堂"越来越远. 你看, 又是多云. 一出门就感觉到那份压抑. 其实光热倒还好了, 要命的是居然是闷热. 大概最近几天吃不好饭, 做不好事多少与此有些关系吧. 早上醒的很早, 可一直昏昏沉沉的, 好几次趴在桌子上想再睡会儿, 可不管怎么样, 就是睡不着, 这想睡又睡不着的时候真的很不舒服, 而且做什么都无趣....确实得早睡了. 既然这样, 想着就放到午饭后去, 于是早早的跑去食堂吃饭, 没想到竟然看了一通电视 哎呀...不说了不说了. 什么乱糟糟的, 一点头绪都没有...再议 25 Juni 拉着我往前走吧很多路我从来没走过, 这就是其中一条, 我方向感太差, 路上又太多不知道的坎, 其实我最胆小的了....好几次都想试着去路口看看, 可到后来不是没胆量去就是还没到就莫名其妙地走错了地方..我真的怀疑我是不是太笨. 我想, 如果没有人领着, 我终究是会迷路的, 或者会掉到什么地方, 也许会再也爬不起来.. 今天第一次站在路口, 居然在发抖..真是胆小鬼;( 要不..拉着我走把, 我保证会很乖的. 居然又这么晚了..白天不知道干了些什么, 浑浑噩噩的就过去了. 甚至今天一天都是这样....最近两天老是放不下一些事. 晚上在88上看到下届师弟说到唱歌, 聊到情深处, 居然也想起去年自己这个时候, 后来又看到了那个说明档, 想到5年, 然后是剩下的4年, 再后呢? 后来一时兴起, 跑到图书馆后面去转了转, 发现那边居然多了些树, 感觉还蛮不错的样子, 只是比较吵, 也太空旷, 没什么回声, 玩了一会儿, 终还是没意思, 后来鬼也没找到..罢了罢了, 后只能说去逛逛吧.. 回来的时候, 突然接到一个陌生的电话, 一打开就听见一个熟悉的声音, 哥哥叫得真是亲切, 比亲妹妹叫得还亲, 也不枉我疼她高中几年...说起来好像比我还大那么几个月吧. 后来想起前阵子另外一对高中同学说是不知不觉分开的事情, 于是小心地问起小妹的"家事", 呵呵, 还是被笑话了, 想想也挺不容易的, 一个在上海, 一个还在武汉, 真的不容易. 说是明天过来杭州, 这么好的妹妹, 一定得好好待待. 晚上还是很热的样子. 依然睡不着. 24 Juni 嗯, 安. 好梦.叻, 又是一人独自对着屏幕. 这回耳边多了点鼾声. 好吧, 放点音乐了. 哦....又是这首歌: La vie en rose, 玫瑰人生. 很老很老的一首法语歌. 记得"Jeux d'enfants"(英译"Love me if you dare", 中译"两小无猜")里面这个旋律重复了很多次. 不过还是听不懂. 老早前就想学学法语的, 甚至现在还在这样想, 资料也搜集了不少. 那么..就纳入下一个四年计划中去吧, 希望能够得以实施. 倒不是想当一门语言来学, 只是觉得法语太好听了, 法兰西就是给人这样一种感觉, 连语言都是如此, 就像...Je t' aime. 晚上Swimming板聚, 想想还是去去吧. 虽然忙, 但还是得找时间休闲休闲. 好多都是新人, 或者说..我自己是新人吧, 虽然有些累, 总算还是比较开心, 水云间于我也就是那么一帮朋友了. 最开心的是认识了一个师弟, 或者说更进一步认识, 发现竟然算是老乡, 不错. 最后还很不好意思的让他bg了一顿夜宵. 本想叫个人出来的, 想想一个是麦当劳太远, 再就是人也多, 后来也就算了. 啊呀..好久没吃麦当劳和肯得基了, 加冰可乐还是比较不错的, 我尤其喜欢嚼最后的冰块儿, hoho..下次一定得多要些才成. 回来的路上还是带了个西瓜, 想想外面的可能会稍微好一点, 然后骑着车慢慢悠悠的从北门进来, 最终还是没等到, 于是提回寝室分掉了. 直到12点....作个好梦吧. 安. 明天好像早上有人要参观实验室? 那么..我也安吧, 好梦. 22 Juni 相信你会看到总会选择在夜深的时候写点东西, 以前在Memory也是, 现在开始慢慢学会习惯自己的blog. 可能是习惯了深夜的安静, 恰好现在一个人呆在实验室, 除了敲键盘之外, 剩下的也许就是自己的心跳, 还有忽长忽短的呼吸了. 上周六到今天...应该也不算长的一段日子, 可总觉得好像少了些什么, 觉得是在熬些什么, 或者在等些什么, 反正不太自在. 直到上午做过实验, 热...午饭后来也没怎么吃, 还是没什么胃口, 最近老是这样, 好像很久了, 于是晚饭换了种方式..边看电视边吃, 呵呵, 效果竟然不错, 虽然费时间, 总还是吃完了, 不过估计这个比发呆更不好, 可...我也没办法.. 晚上作翻译的时候, 师兄猛地从88发个消息过来, 触我一惊. 竟突然问起我是不是有绯闻, 顺便8卦了一通, 后来提到了物理系过来的一个人在打听一些事. 我沉默了, 于是想了很多. 我本就是这样一个人, 不紧不慢, 有时候想的太多, 也浪费了太多的时间在追求一个结果上. 我在想, 有时候太过于理性是不是件好事. 是的, 我从不轻易做承诺, 所以很多事情总是犹豫不决, 不知道是不是我过于担心那谁也不知道的今后, 或是我不愿承担那些沉重的承诺, 或是我怕那可能出现的尴尬, 抑或是我过于木讷, 不懂得追求? 没想到如此安静的夜也会乱....我甚至开始恨我自己了. 是的..我恨. |
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